Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Monday, November 5, 2012
Update
Just a brief update on my sweet Robbie baby. He has been gaining weight steadily and is now finally in the 5% percentile, woo! His renal failure is considered stage 3 (out of 5) but the nephrologist said that if his Creatinine comes down even 1-2 hundredths of a point it would downgrade him to stage 2 (I'm hoping we can just pray it down 😊)
He is happy all of the time and never cries (I'm not exaggerating). He will occasionally let out some exacerbated grunts but he reserves the crying strictly for blood draws. He's developmentally super strong and seems to be getting the hang of this whole "life" thing.
Rob and I couldn't be happier to have this little guy hanging around.
He is happy all of the time and never cries (I'm not exaggerating). He will occasionally let out some exacerbated grunts but he reserves the crying strictly for blood draws. He's developmentally super strong and seems to be getting the hang of this whole "life" thing.
Rob and I couldn't be happier to have this little guy hanging around.
Sunday, November 4, 2012
I'll have a Grape Juice and Shasta mixer
In the past I've written a post about when and when not to come to the ER. You can find it here. Tonight I'll just share some unrelated thoughts concerning the ER.
-There is a term in the ER to describe someone who apparently has no idea what the crap has ever happened to them, ever. The term is "poor historian." I don't love the term because it doesn't really capture the egregious lack of attention to detail some people have.
Ex: You're not sure if it was a stroke that you had? Is that the stroke talking?
They didn't tell you what medication made your throat close up and nearly die?
You have a history of cancer, but not sure what kind?
That has to take an honest effort, right? Like, an active attempt to ignore everything medical professionals try to tell you. When they start talking do they turn into Beaker and you just desperately resist the information trying to beat down the armored door you have protecting your tiny brain from knowledge? Do you cover your ears and sing? Are you actually claiming your body as a permanent residence without seriously knowing anything about it? The answer is simple. Yes. Yes, to all of the above. And let me guess? You'd also take some graham crackers?
-When I give you a cup to pee in, please impart some common courtesy and twist the lid on, and preferably not in the way that a four year old twists a cap. You are an adult. Securing a lid should be fairly straightforward. If you try to hand me a cup full of your urine sloshing about, with the lid precariously balanced on top, I will hand it back to you and ask you to "try again." I'm not sure why you think its acceptable for me to handle your urine, but it just isn't. I don't handle my own urine, and yours looks like you eat sand for breakfast and tree sap for dinner.
-Don't tell me you need us to figure out if your pregnant because your body "doesn't make HCG and it doesn't show up on urine tests." That's unfortunately not the dumbest thing I've ever heard, but its definitely top 25.
-If your complaint starts with "Jack-in-the-Box" and ends with "Abdominal pain" I've probably stopped doing an actual assessment on you and started to think of something witty to say about you to the nurse outside.
-If you ask me to mix Grape juice and Shasta for you because its the only thing you can keep down, when I say "that's not going to happen," I wasn't trying to be cute. And if I don't do it you will probably lose your mind and tell me you now have chest pain radiating down your arm? I guess that's why I'll probably do it, but I won't do it with a smile.
-Don't tell me I "should really smile more." You cough without covering your mouth. There's nothing to smile about when I think about your bacteria parachuting all over my face.
-If you came in walking, you're leaving walking. Why are you asking me for a wheelchair? Did your legs stop working? Did all of the BS you just told me about your non-problem paralyze you? I'll let you crab-walk out of here before I get you a wheelchair. Hell, I'll wheelbarrow you out myself if I have to.
-There is a term in the ER to describe someone who apparently has no idea what the crap has ever happened to them, ever. The term is "poor historian." I don't love the term because it doesn't really capture the egregious lack of attention to detail some people have.
Ex: You're not sure if it was a stroke that you had? Is that the stroke talking?
They didn't tell you what medication made your throat close up and nearly die?
You have a history of cancer, but not sure what kind?
That has to take an honest effort, right? Like, an active attempt to ignore everything medical professionals try to tell you. When they start talking do they turn into Beaker and you just desperately resist the information trying to beat down the armored door you have protecting your tiny brain from knowledge? Do you cover your ears and sing? Are you actually claiming your body as a permanent residence without seriously knowing anything about it? The answer is simple. Yes. Yes, to all of the above. And let me guess? You'd also take some graham crackers?
-When I give you a cup to pee in, please impart some common courtesy and twist the lid on, and preferably not in the way that a four year old twists a cap. You are an adult. Securing a lid should be fairly straightforward. If you try to hand me a cup full of your urine sloshing about, with the lid precariously balanced on top, I will hand it back to you and ask you to "try again." I'm not sure why you think its acceptable for me to handle your urine, but it just isn't. I don't handle my own urine, and yours looks like you eat sand for breakfast and tree sap for dinner.
-Don't tell me you need us to figure out if your pregnant because your body "doesn't make HCG and it doesn't show up on urine tests." That's unfortunately not the dumbest thing I've ever heard, but its definitely top 25.
-If your complaint starts with "Jack-in-the-Box" and ends with "Abdominal pain" I've probably stopped doing an actual assessment on you and started to think of something witty to say about you to the nurse outside.
-If you ask me to mix Grape juice and Shasta for you because its the only thing you can keep down, when I say "that's not going to happen," I wasn't trying to be cute. And if I don't do it you will probably lose your mind and tell me you now have chest pain radiating down your arm? I guess that's why I'll probably do it, but I won't do it with a smile.
-Don't tell me I "should really smile more." You cough without covering your mouth. There's nothing to smile about when I think about your bacteria parachuting all over my face.
-If you came in walking, you're leaving walking. Why are you asking me for a wheelchair? Did your legs stop working? Did all of the BS you just told me about your non-problem paralyze you? I'll let you crab-walk out of here before I get you a wheelchair. Hell, I'll wheelbarrow you out myself if I have to.
Saturday, November 3, 2012
Things I learned this week...
-Acronyms are the future. DTTFI (Don't try to fight it).
-Brussel sprouts can be delicious if served up in some sweet chili sauce (via Uchi).
-Fall is my jam. Everything about it. Pumpkins, cardigans, blazers, socks, the amount of glitter used to craft triples this time of year, parties, sequins, comforters, dark lipstick (p.s. when I wear lipstick, I feel a little bit like a better person and a little bit that I'll probably excel at everything as long as I have it on), my paleness is in, just like that, and lastly, honeycrisp apples.
-If I watch too much Fox News I have dreams about engaging in physical altercations with political figures.
-Sushi is my favorite (I always kind of knew this but forgot after it was strictly prohibited while I was pregnant).
-Who Matt Millen is and why this was funny, "Barack Obama is the Matt Millen of presidents" (via Dennis Miller).
-Everything Dennis Miller says is my favorite.
-If you try to vote twice, the FBI get involved (not from personal experience).
-Homemade Chinese food is never going to be as good as cheap take-out.
-Taylor Swift's bangs make me sad. Clinically depressed, sad.
-Mentos>Altoids.
-Brussel sprouts can be delicious if served up in some sweet chili sauce (via Uchi).
-Fall is my jam. Everything about it. Pumpkins, cardigans, blazers, socks, the amount of glitter used to craft triples this time of year, parties, sequins, comforters, dark lipstick (p.s. when I wear lipstick, I feel a little bit like a better person and a little bit that I'll probably excel at everything as long as I have it on), my paleness is in, just like that, and lastly, honeycrisp apples.
-If I watch too much Fox News I have dreams about engaging in physical altercations with political figures.
-Sushi is my favorite (I always kind of knew this but forgot after it was strictly prohibited while I was pregnant).
-Who Matt Millen is and why this was funny, "Barack Obama is the Matt Millen of presidents" (via Dennis Miller).
-Everything Dennis Miller says is my favorite.-If you try to vote twice, the FBI get involved (not from personal experience).
-Homemade Chinese food is never going to be as good as cheap take-out.
-Taylor Swift's bangs make me sad. Clinically depressed, sad.
-Mentos>Altoids.
Friday, November 2, 2012
Halloweenie
Flavored tootsie rolls are delicious as well as underrated. The vanilla ones are ridic.
Babies in costume are am-ah-zing.
Teenagers who think they're too cool to dress up are the worst.
Adults in costume=hit or miss, but mostly the wheel just lands on skanky.
Sexy mail woman? Shameful for many reasons and lets be honest, there's nothing sexy about the price of stamps these days. You'd be sexier if you dispensed free stamps.
People who buy the full-sized candy bars to hand out are more heroic to kiddies than anything Marvel could come up with (unless they came up with a Halloween superhero who made giant candy bars as weapons and after destroying their nemesis with said candy bar, shared it with all their faithful admirers. Lets call him, The Candy man, but don't worry he's not a serial killer or a pedophile).
Carving pumpkins with the use of a stencil is a cop-out.
Did people ever answer "trick?" Where is the history behind that? Someone please research this and follow up with me.
If you're going to buy Brachs Assorted Candy, know that you are the worst.
Halloween specials on sitcoms are the best.
My baby actually is Clark Kent. Also, he loves his briefcase. He keeps important documents close by at all times: immunization records, birth certificate, copy of footprints, tax returns, etc).
Living in a neighborhood without trick-or-treaters is sad. One day.
Babies in costume are am-ah-zing.
Teenagers who think they're too cool to dress up are the worst.
Adults in costume=hit or miss, but mostly the wheel just lands on skanky.
Sexy mail woman? Shameful for many reasons and lets be honest, there's nothing sexy about the price of stamps these days. You'd be sexier if you dispensed free stamps.
People who buy the full-sized candy bars to hand out are more heroic to kiddies than anything Marvel could come up with (unless they came up with a Halloween superhero who made giant candy bars as weapons and after destroying their nemesis with said candy bar, shared it with all their faithful admirers. Lets call him, The Candy man, but don't worry he's not a serial killer or a pedophile).
Carving pumpkins with the use of a stencil is a cop-out.
Did people ever answer "trick?" Where is the history behind that? Someone please research this and follow up with me.
If you're going to buy Brachs Assorted Candy, know that you are the worst.
Halloween specials on sitcoms are the best.
My baby actually is Clark Kent. Also, he loves his briefcase. He keeps important documents close by at all times: immunization records, birth certificate, copy of footprints, tax returns, etc).
Living in a neighborhood without trick-or-treaters is sad. One day.
Thursday, November 1, 2012
I like long walks on the beach...
I've recently had some facetime with a dating website. I can't discuss the specifics, but no, I'm not shopping around, Rob has already informed me that he was happy with his 3-year lease and is looking to buy this go-round (lucky girl!). Anyway, for the record I am not an anti-online dater. I think it is a great way to meet people with similar and very specific interests. For example, if I was an animal lover (which I'm not, pets are the worst), I could instantly eliminate any animal haters from my dating list. One step closer to love.
But the thing about online dating that is so fascinating is that you're expected to write a greeting that summarizes everything about you without sounding desperate/weird/lonely all while appearing to be witty/intelligent/kind. Through extensive research ninety percent* of men think that the best opening line is, "I'm really laid back." This single statement, I swear, was in almost every profile that I read (again, I know you're curious but just don't ask). "I'm super laid back." "I'm totally laid back." "I consider myself really laid back." Really?! Are there that many "laid back" people out there? And what does that mean? You're okay if dinner starts 5-10 minutes late? (unacceptable)...10-15 minutes? (seriously?)...15-20?! (worthless). Or you're kinda "meh" when it comes to politics (excellent, that's just what the country needs, you knucklehead)? Sometimes you don't tie your shoes? You like your tie a little loose? Toilet seat is up? Drinking out of milk cartons? Eating with sporks?! What does it mean?! And is that what girls are looking for? Because I think I'd be more likely to get behind something like this:
"Moderately handsome, smart, reads real newspapers, knows what "Aes Sedai" refers to, and a little bit high strung." Boom.**
But more interesting, I thought I'd give it a go and write my very own personal ad. Here goes.
Likes:
Reading, mostly non-thought-provoking with the occasional non-fiction.
Caligraphy, mostly doodling small woodland creatures on stroke powerpoint handouts
Medical seminars, mostly the free cookies and retractable name badge holders
Saving lives (one-upping [tragic flaw]).
Dancing, mostly to boy bands, Eddie Money, and 90's "butt rock"***
Dislikes:
Dirty microwaves, specifically tomato sauce splattering
Warm water...give it up, this is America
Sprouts
Math, because I'm bad at it
Things that I'm bad at
What I learned? Putting yourself on paper is HARD. It's way, way easier to get by on superficial things. Props to online daters. Maybe the best play is to start off like this, "I don't look great on paper, but I'm super rich."
*Not an actual statistic
**Basically I just described Rob...except he just happened to be super handsome, unbelievably smart, gets the San Juan Record every month (except when they forget and send him several issues at once), spelled "Aes Sedai" for me for the purposes of this blog, and is secretly high strung (but in a way that motivates him to work hard, and all that ambitious kinda crap).
***Rob's words, not mine
But the thing about online dating that is so fascinating is that you're expected to write a greeting that summarizes everything about you without sounding desperate/weird/lonely all while appearing to be witty/intelligent/kind. Through extensive research ninety percent* of men think that the best opening line is, "I'm really laid back." This single statement, I swear, was in almost every profile that I read (again, I know you're curious but just don't ask). "I'm super laid back." "I'm totally laid back." "I consider myself really laid back." Really?! Are there that many "laid back" people out there? And what does that mean? You're okay if dinner starts 5-10 minutes late? (unacceptable)...10-15 minutes? (seriously?)...15-20?! (worthless). Or you're kinda "meh" when it comes to politics (excellent, that's just what the country needs, you knucklehead)? Sometimes you don't tie your shoes? You like your tie a little loose? Toilet seat is up? Drinking out of milk cartons? Eating with sporks?! What does it mean?! And is that what girls are looking for? Because I think I'd be more likely to get behind something like this:
"Moderately handsome, smart, reads real newspapers, knows what "Aes Sedai" refers to, and a little bit high strung." Boom.**
But more interesting, I thought I'd give it a go and write my very own personal ad. Here goes.
Likes:
Reading, mostly non-thought-provoking with the occasional non-fiction.
Caligraphy, mostly doodling small woodland creatures on stroke powerpoint handouts
Medical seminars, mostly the free cookies and retractable name badge holders
Saving lives (one-upping [tragic flaw]).
Dancing, mostly to boy bands, Eddie Money, and 90's "butt rock"***
Dislikes:
Dirty microwaves, specifically tomato sauce splattering
Warm water...give it up, this is America
Sprouts
Math, because I'm bad at it
Things that I'm bad at
What I learned? Putting yourself on paper is HARD. It's way, way easier to get by on superficial things. Props to online daters. Maybe the best play is to start off like this, "I don't look great on paper, but I'm super rich."
*Not an actual statistic
**Basically I just described Rob...except he just happened to be super handsome, unbelievably smart, gets the San Juan Record every month (except when they forget and send him several issues at once), spelled "Aes Sedai" for me for the purposes of this blog, and is secretly high strung (but in a way that motivates him to work hard, and all that ambitious kinda crap).
***Rob's words, not mine
Saturday, October 20, 2012
And none for Gretchen Weiners
So, I've had some time to think about this particular topic, and I've spent enough time (24 years) doing some serious research to share the results of my findings. I'll call the study, "Disarming a Hottie: A Guide to Making Attractive Women Less Scary." And this isn't actually intended to help men pick up women (if you need help with that just see the footnote marked with a "*" and a "Don't be a jerk-hole") no, this is actually for women and all of their/our (because I'm female) crazy.
Let me 'splain. In order to give any credit to this "study" there are a few universal truths** you must first accept. If you are unwilling to accept these, stop reading and go back to browsing the interwebs, this is no place for you.
Truth #1: The majority*** of girls are intimidated by other girls
Truth #2: Truth #1 becomes exponentially worse when one of the girls is attractive (and they don't have to be a hard ten, I'm saying even 5's and 6's are included in this category).
Truth #3: Truth #2 becomes a fiery hell of animosity if BOTH women are attractive.
Women reading this should be shaking their heads in agreement, and men should be muttering, "chicks are crazy." If you don't fit into one of these categories, this is another invitation to quit reading. And while you're at it, you should probably just quit reading this blog because you're too mature/self-evolved to think it's funny anyway. Okay, so are we all on board? Let's move on.
I'm an immature girl, so I'll use myself as the subject of the study. When I meet/am in the same room with/see in passing an attractive girl, I immediately think, "Wow, she's so pretty, she's probably good at lots of things" (because somehow attractive equals talented...which is actually pretty ridiculous..."hey, you are so good at being pretty, and other things.") and then I just think, "I probably won't introduce myself, she's probably mean...and like...wears matching underwear and I just would never get along with someone like that."
So I've had all of these encounters with girls at the new studio I work out at and its the kind of place where girls who are already fit go to work out. So, that's annoying. And on top of that, a lot of them have been going for a while so they have trios of other attractive workout buddies, which then morphs into this force field of attractive scary girl-ness. But I'm going to this studio obviously to work out, but also because I need more friends that aren't 4 months old and pee on my dry-clean only blouses (what's up with dry clean? I want to figuratively burn the idea of dry-cleaning to the ground****). So I noticed during this class that I have a system, a system that apparently, I have been carrying out for years without knowing my brilliance (jk, I'm super aware of my wits). A system of disarming hotties, which gives them permission to like me, which gives me the opportunity for the occasional cordial adult conversation.
It's literally the easiest two-step process ever.
#1 Say something complimentary
#2 Be friends forever
Example:
I'm working out next to this girl, she's pretty. After class I say, "Your top is super cute." She says, "Oh my gosh, thank you, I got it from blah blah blah..." Boom. Friends. Now she wants to meet my baby.
Example:
Shopping with my sister-in-laws. I get up to the register and tell the employee her dress is darling (which it was, because it was crochet, hello). She is all, "Oh my gosh, thank you, blah blah blah." We walked out of the store and my sister-in-law said, "I feel like that girl was like eating out of your hands, she probably would have given you even more of a discount after you told her her dress was cute!" And then I realized. I have a gift.
I reject scary women. I also just accept that girls act a little/a lot/unreasonably crazy about some things, and meeting other girls is one of them. You know the cliche conversation between the man and woman?
Woman: Can you tell I've lost weight?
Man: Yeah! You're looking really great these days!
Women: So you didn't think I looked good before?
Well, this is kind of the same principle, in that it shows that girls are crazy sometimes.
I feel like at this point you may have had some/all of these thoughts:
#1 I think Kasey is interested in dating women
#2 I think Kasey is the antifeminist
#3 Kasey is so sad and insecure
Well, first let me just say that I recognize this post is a little bit weird and makes me sound a little bit insecure, but at times, I'm both, so I'm okay with that. And second, I'm happily married. And third, I am a little bit of an antifeminist, but that's a blog for another time (air-high-five to all my stay at home moms). But it is what it is, and I've said what Ive' said. So there's that.
*Don't be a jerk hole.
**This is in my universe, and they are true here. If you don't agree, my universe is full anyway.
***I'm qualifying this as the majority because yes, I accept that there are beautiful women out there who are kind and loving and feel so comfortable with themselves they just live their lives without any threat of other women. And when I say I accept it, what I really mean is that I reject it. Boom. Blowing your mind.
****Do you like how I used "figuratively" instead of "literally?" I recently read that is a top ten pet peeve, that is, the wrong use of word "literally." Which seems kind of stupid, because why aren't we more concerned with the growing number of names that include multiple apostrophes?
Let me 'splain. In order to give any credit to this "study" there are a few universal truths** you must first accept. If you are unwilling to accept these, stop reading and go back to browsing the interwebs, this is no place for you.
Truth #1: The majority*** of girls are intimidated by other girls
Truth #2: Truth #1 becomes exponentially worse when one of the girls is attractive (and they don't have to be a hard ten, I'm saying even 5's and 6's are included in this category).
Truth #3: Truth #2 becomes a fiery hell of animosity if BOTH women are attractive.
Women reading this should be shaking their heads in agreement, and men should be muttering, "chicks are crazy." If you don't fit into one of these categories, this is another invitation to quit reading. And while you're at it, you should probably just quit reading this blog because you're too mature/self-evolved to think it's funny anyway. Okay, so are we all on board? Let's move on.
I'm an immature girl, so I'll use myself as the subject of the study. When I meet/am in the same room with/see in passing an attractive girl, I immediately think, "Wow, she's so pretty, she's probably good at lots of things" (because somehow attractive equals talented...which is actually pretty ridiculous..."hey,
So I've had all of these encounters with girls at the new studio I work out at and its the kind of place where girls who are already fit go to work out. So, that's annoying. And on top of that, a lot of them have been going for a while so they have trios of other attractive workout buddies, which then morphs into this force field of attractive scary girl-ness. But I'm going to this studio obviously to work out, but also because I need more friends that aren't 4 months old and pee on my dry-clean only blouses (what's up with dry clean? I want to figuratively burn the idea of dry-cleaning to the ground****). So I noticed during this class that I have a system, a system that apparently, I have been carrying out for years without knowing my brilliance (jk, I'm super aware of my wits). A system of disarming hotties, which gives them permission to like me, which gives me the opportunity for the occasional cordial adult conversation.
It's literally the easiest two-step process ever.
#1 Say something complimentary
#2 Be friends forever
Example:
I'm working out next to this girl, she's pretty. After class I say, "Your top is super cute." She says, "Oh my gosh, thank you, I got it from blah blah blah..." Boom. Friends. Now she wants to meet my baby.
Example:
Shopping with my sister-in-laws. I get up to the register and tell the employee her dress is darling (which it was, because it was crochet, hello). She is all, "Oh my gosh, thank you, blah blah blah." We walked out of the store and my sister-in-law said, "I feel like that girl was like eating out of your hands, she probably would have given you even more of a discount after you told her her dress was cute!" And then I realized. I have a gift.
I reject scary women. I also just accept that girls act a little/a lot/unreasonably crazy about some things, and meeting other girls is one of them. You know the cliche conversation between the man and woman?
Woman: Can you tell I've lost weight?
Man: Yeah! You're looking really great these days!
Women: So you didn't think I looked good before?
Well, this is kind of the same principle, in that it shows that girls are crazy sometimes.
I feel like at this point you may have had some/all of these thoughts:
#1 I think Kasey is interested in dating women
#2 I think Kasey is the antifeminist
#3 Kasey is so sad and insecure
Well, first let me just say that I recognize this post is a little bit weird and makes me sound a little bit insecure, but at times, I'm both, so I'm okay with that. And second, I'm happily married. And third, I am a little bit of an antifeminist, but that's a blog for another time (air-high-five to all my stay at home moms). But it is what it is, and I've said what Ive' said. So there's that.
*Don't be a jerk hole.
**This is in my universe, and they are true here. If you don't agree, my universe is full anyway.
***I'm qualifying this as the majority because yes, I accept that there are beautiful women out there who are kind and loving and feel so comfortable with themselves they just live their lives without any threat of other women. And when I say I accept it, what I really mean is that I reject it. Boom. Blowing your mind.
****Do you like how I used "figuratively" instead of "literally?" I recently read that is a top ten pet peeve, that is, the wrong use of word "literally." Which seems kind of stupid, because why aren't we more concerned with the growing number of names that include multiple apostrophes?
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