Sibling Day

Apparently it is National Sibling Day. Please enjoy the following tributes of love dedicated to each one of mine:

Joey



Dru



Kjersti

Some Things

Horchata. I'm not comfortable drinking rice. It makes me feel confused.

Rob's sleep-talking last night sounded like he was droppin' lyrics for Hootie and the Blowfish. "She's crazy. Her life was all she could create from nothin'." Seriously. That's what he said.

So getting a brazilian is weird because you're like, "Hey, nice to meet you. Take care of this, please?"

If it has Cream of Chicken in it, its never going to be bad.

Actually using the word "hashtag" in a conversation makes it way better. #hashtag, amiright?

Every time I pass a box of Cadbury Creme Eggs I feel like I need to slip them into a canvas, drawstring bag and journey with them to Mount Doom until they can be destroyed with fire. Dammit, Cadbury! You glorious manufacturers of chocolate!

I saw a billboard for UTI.edu. Apparently it stands for Universal Technical Institute. Except, it actually stands for urinary tract infection. The medical diagnosis had dibs on that acronym first and I feel like we should just let science keep it.

Every time I watch Thomas the Train and Thomas exclaims, "Bust my buffers!" I snicker a little and hope that my child will be more evolved than I am.

Don't Chill So Hard, Bro

Since quitting my job to become a full-time mom and health care provider for my super cute, albeit incredibly high-maintenance baby, I have had a hard time finding my niche here in Houston. I have especially found it difficult to find women with not only a kiddo my age, but who are also willing to let our said children terrorize one another during this fun activity we've coined, "the playdate." As an aside, a playdate is just an excuse for more than one individual to get together and ignore their children as a team, right? Anyway-there is a local group around my neighborhood that sponsors playgroups and different activities to give people the opportunity to connect. In order to be a part of the group the requirement includes attending a group-sponsored activity and getting a few names of the people you met. Once its verified that you aren't a sociopath you are inducted into the group. The intent to attend one of these events has always been there but for one reason or another it never happened. Earlier this week I checked the website and was determined to attend playgroup at the park.

Today was the day. It had been on my calendar all week. I would go, Robbie would steal their hearts with his whimsy and charm, and I would not make any jokes that would alarm anyone. 4:00pm. It was time. Side braid, check. Pastel headband, check. Teal jeans, check. Shiny white keds, check. Killin' it. Who wouldn't want to adopt this duo? My kid was wearing a V-neck with a tiny pocket...a TINY adorable pocket. Robbie shot me some finger-guns as we walked out the door (that didn't happen, but it could have). I asked Robbie if he was ready to go play on the wee (his word for a slide), he growled back, "FIRE TRUCK!" He was ready.

We get to the park. Not a toddler in sight. Some old people talking politics, an Indian couple having a picnic, and an enormous, empty field. For about 10 minutes Robbie wandered around occasionally looking back at me like, "what do you want me to do? where are all the promised people, mom?" I text Rob and told him that nobody had shown up to the park. His reply: "but Robbie's probably still having fun, right?" An empty field. An unreasonable amount of wind blowing stacks of leaves. And there's my dude. He found the one toy in the whole park, a big wheels car. Sitting inside, leaning back, sipping on some water. *Crickets* I can't even articulate how hilarious the scene was. I'm not doing it justice, I know I'm not. I laughed so hard I probably peed a little (but really, second pregnancy and all). Give me a car, sunshine, and some sweet, sweet wa. Honey badger don't care.

Pinterest captions edited by Yours Truly

Tips to look good while pregnant How to hide the fact that you're enormous
Mommy by day, crafter by night Mommy by day, crafter by moments my child will leave me alone
Drink this daily and watch the pounds come off without fuss So much diarrhea
Indoor tree house loft for kids with slide and swing Buckets of extra square-footage and nothing to do?
Chocolate covered strawberries for Easter! Chocolate covered everything for always!
Brown Sugar Banana Bread Pancakes Flat muffins
Donut muffins Donuts
Carrot chips Bake vegetables in sadness
Display Rustic Ladder Shelf! Store trinkets and bobbles on old wood held together with Gorilla glue
Never have I ever wanted a tattoo, but I want this. Indecisive stance on tattooing
Prosciutto-Wrapped Truffle Fries Bacon wrapped potatoes
What to Wear in Family Photos Harder than choosing a name for your unborn child
A Broccoli Recipe For The Best Broccoli EVER! Fake thing
Limoncello Blueberry Trifles Blueberries on top of lemon pudding in your grandma's old china
Lazy Day Oatmeal Cake Mix oatmeal, sugar and butter in the same bowl. serve warm.
purple dyed hair #tweenwuzhere
Wrap cookie dough around a mini candy bar and bake it in a muffin tin! Begin your journey with Diabetes
Romantic Dinners for Two Food that won't make you feel too fat to get naked
Brown & gray. Like these colours. I'm British. Just kidding, I just see it spelled both ways so I'm taking liberties
Dream House Ideas Extra tidbits to fuel feelings of inadequacy
i LOVE country men, but you can't go wrong with a man in a suit... I like men who aren't unattractive
Build strength during pregnancy Sure, I guess
Spray paint baby’s breath gold & silver for decorations Don't do this and just buy it at Hobby Lobby
Tiffany blue Nike Running shoes You can still look rich while you run

Topics I've considered blogging about breifly until I think about it for longer than 5 seconds

*Shaving (various aspects including but not limited to: pros and cons, where and why, preferable VS necessity).
*Catching my kid's vomit with an impressively narrow sippie cup while stopped at a light (I'm talkin' topping that sucker off with 8 ounces of Gross all while politely smiling at the car to my right)
*The murder of a pregnant house fly that took place several days ago. I'm not sorry for what I did. I didn't know it was pregnant but I knew it had no right to be as big as it was.
*Why I think it is acceptable to use the handicapped stall when pregnant
*The importance of the "hover" method in a public restroom and why it should be included in school curriculums
*Menchie's (the yogurt place) and why it sounds too close to "menses"
*What I can tell about you by the color of your poop
*Why I find it loathsome, embarrassing and uncouth to order chicken at a steakhouse
*Why Chambray is acceptable but jean shirts are still out

You're welcome.

Nope

Sometimes after I've taken a hiatus from blogging I feel like I should give an explanation but this time I'm wondering if everyone will just accept the following: I have a toddler and my life is no longer my own. Now that we've covered that, let's move on.

Some things I've learned about myself recently:
*I screen calls. I know its messed up but I do it, and I do it on the reg. Sorry in advance.

*I think binder clips are underutilized. After it's primary use, to keep toothpaste properly squeezed, you can also use them as a handy kitchen sponge dock, a cable organizer, and a money clip. I didn't even have to use Pinterest for that.

*I'd prefer to live on food that you might find in a 3rd grader's lunchbox. Dunkaroos, Little Debbies, those little packages of breadsticks and cheese (product) dip, Lunchables (preferably ham and cheese with the vanilla cookie), and most importantly, Gushers. Oh and I can get down with a good Uncrustable (grape jelly obvs) every now and then as well.

*I hate when people ask about any hobbies that I have. "Uhhhh...one time...I mean...I like...running." Lie. That's a lie. For some reason I immediately freeze and all I can think is, "I like to catch up on Hulu and buy novelty items at Target in the gift aisle."

*Being a mom makes me more approachable than I've ever cared to be. On more than one occasion a child at a playground (who does not belong to me) tries to hold my hand. Years of keeping people at a comfortable distance have all been thwarted by a child's inability to respond to carefully-crafted body mechanics. If you need a visual just think "Ron Swanson at a theme park."

*I met a waitress from the Ukraine who found it appalling that Americans eat cupcakes with their hands instead of with a fork. #america, that's why.

*My kid uses "nope" as a universal response to everything. I'm starting to think he's on to something. There are many times when it should probably be acceptable to just say, "nope" and walk away. For instance, when strangers want to share their birthing stories (yes, it happens. a lot) or when a patient won't disclose the location of the "oozing" wound they keep referring to. "Nope, cyaaaa."