Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Fake Blogger

I don't usually have anything valuable to blog about. That is, you won't get any legit advice about anything that will impact your life in any way. I have tons of fake advice to dole out concerning when and what to do in a hospital setting, but let's be real, you're going to go to the ER for your congestion x12 weeks regardless of what I say. I can also tell you all about what I think is and is not appropriate behavior in public forums, but I'm obviously no authority on these things. I once participated in a dance-off with a sketchy character at a club that ended with losing my belt (not in a weird way, I didn't rip it off or anything. I think I was just trying out the precariously-placed-belt-that-doesn't-actually-go-through-belt-loops thing, and that in and of itself shows I've had my share of poor judgement calls). It wasn't okay.

Anyway, I don't know if you've noticed, but an extraordinarily large amount of people have taken to "advice blogging." You know all those people that love to give unsolicited advice (pot, kettle, black...I think you can put it together)? Now they have this boundless forum to do exactly that (comments=disabled, because who wants to be corrected on their own blog? Rude)!

"Where should I travel next? I think that one chick wrote a blog/posted a bunch of selfies of herself in Europe...maybe she knows. What should I do with my kid this evening? That chick has a sepia cover photo of her family at the park, I need to hit up that blog. I'm fat, but that dude's ripped and he's listed all of his supplements on his blog (complete with a before and after photo that was obviously NOT photoshopped, wait...) Yahtzee!"

Since the only thing I am an expert on is glitter and high-top buns (stay tuned for an Easy-Updo-In-Five-Minutes blog post, coming soon!) I figured I'd jump on the bandwagon and give some super useful (but likely not) advice.

*If you're planning a trip, spend a freak-ton of money first, then you can use all of your points from your credit card to pay for it.

*When microwaving cheese, add 1 cup of water to make the cheese softer. What?

*To get the butt you've always wanted, forget the gym, and hit up some Cadbury Eggs found at your local convenience store (while supplies last). Take 3/day and maybe add some of the mini Cadbury eggs with the crispy shell as a supplement (eat at least two small packages, or if they have the 30oz on sale, definitely go for that).

*Recent polls show abbreviating most of your vocab does not make you sound less intelligent (but seriously, I can't stop).

*Olive Garden is not actually Italian food, maybe not even a real restaurant. Fear all copy-cat recipes. Just because their breadsticks taste like magic, doesn't make it right.

*Weight Watchers is the best dieting plan because basically you can just starve and then eat a cheeseburger the size of Wreck It Ralph's fists (btw, great flick, 4 stars) with absolute reckless abandon (preferably in the comfort of your own home).

*The best hotels to travel with small pets are non-existent, because your pet doesn't need a vacay. Stop it.

*If you're looking for some stimulating reading material just type in dystopian youth novels into Google and read every single one. Do not neglect your child while doing so and think that throwing him/her toys from the couch counts as playing together. If you're sitting on the ground with them, that's a different story.

*If you're looking for new activities to do with your family, try getting back to the basics. Naps for everyone.

*Finally, when writing a blog post about useful tips, always link to a legit website like Wikipedia, Google, or better yet, Ask Jeeves (but for reals Jeeves, it's been a long time since you've been accurate about anything, am I right? Fist bump).


kjersti said...

you kill me

cowbell kelly said...

I love this for so many reasons that to name them all would justify a blog post for me devoid of good punctuation in true Kelly style:)

Abinadi said...

I feel like I was there for the dance-off. It was epic. I also remember that Dorothy H. was dancing up in the cages the whole night. Good times.