Friday, March 29, 2013

Happy Easter!

Robbie had his endoscopy this week. It went really well (except that they gave him a girly gown which he was not happy about) and now we're just waiting on the biopsy results.

We started him on a high calorie supplement powder last week and at his weigh in this week he had gained 10 ounces. His doctor (who has seen him once a week for his entire life) calls him Bob and this week added "The Piglet" to his name which Robbie seemed to like quite a bit.

We started him on an appetite stimulant this morning. In my head I imagine him eating bowls of gravy and porkchops from here on out. This morning we just started with applesauce and it went surprisingly well.

As many of you know our insurance company had denied us coverage of Robbie's delivery, surgery, and NICU stay in the beginning of his life. It's a long story but basically they said he could have been taken care of at an HCA hospital (who I work for) even though they don't have a Children's hospital. After three appeals they finally approved us. This is the difference between owing $40,000 or $0. We now owe $0. Boom.

To celebrate I put Easter Eggs all over the patio and Robbie would gather them and bring them back like the faithful little puppy he is. He then danced to all of the birds chirping with his signature head bob.

I also spent about an hour yesterday teaching him to high-five. It was worth it.

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Fake Blogger

I don't usually have anything valuable to blog about. That is, you won't get any legit advice about anything that will impact your life in any way. I have tons of fake advice to dole out concerning when and what to do in a hospital setting, but let's be real, you're going to go to the ER for your congestion x12 weeks regardless of what I say. I can also tell you all about what I think is and is not appropriate behavior in public forums, but I'm obviously no authority on these things. I once participated in a dance-off with a sketchy character at a club that ended with losing my belt (not in a weird way, I didn't rip it off or anything. I think I was just trying out the precariously-placed-belt-that-doesn't-actually-go-through-belt-loops thing, and that in and of itself shows I've had my share of poor judgement calls). It wasn't okay.

Anyway, I don't know if you've noticed, but an extraordinarily large amount of people have taken to "advice blogging." You know all those people that love to give unsolicited advice (pot, kettle, black...I think you can put it together)? Now they have this boundless forum to do exactly that (comments=disabled, because who wants to be corrected on their own blog? Rude)!

"Where should I travel next? I think that one chick wrote a blog/posted a bunch of selfies of herself in Europe...maybe she knows. What should I do with my kid this evening? That chick has a sepia cover photo of her family at the park, I need to hit up that blog. I'm fat, but that dude's ripped and he's listed all of his supplements on his blog (complete with a before and after photo that was obviously NOT photoshopped, wait...) Yahtzee!"

Since the only thing I am an expert on is glitter and high-top buns (stay tuned for an Easy-Updo-In-Five-Minutes blog post, coming soon!) I figured I'd jump on the bandwagon and give some super useful (but likely not) advice.

*If you're planning a trip, spend a freak-ton of money first, then you can use all of your points from your credit card to pay for it.

*When microwaving cheese, add 1 cup of water to make the cheese softer. What?

*To get the butt you've always wanted, forget the gym, and hit up some Cadbury Eggs found at your local convenience store (while supplies last). Take 3/day and maybe add some of the mini Cadbury eggs with the crispy shell as a supplement (eat at least two small packages, or if they have the 30oz on sale, definitely go for that).

*Recent polls show abbreviating most of your vocab does not make you sound less intelligent (but seriously, I can't stop).

*Olive Garden is not actually Italian food, maybe not even a real restaurant. Fear all copy-cat recipes. Just because their breadsticks taste like magic, doesn't make it right.

*Weight Watchers is the best dieting plan because basically you can just starve and then eat a cheeseburger the size of Wreck It Ralph's fists (btw, great flick, 4 stars) with absolute reckless abandon (preferably in the comfort of your own home).

*The best hotels to travel with small pets are non-existent, because your pet doesn't need a vacay. Stop it.

*If you're looking for some stimulating reading material just type in dystopian youth novels into Google and read every single one. Do not neglect your child while doing so and think that throwing him/her toys from the couch counts as playing together. If you're sitting on the ground with them, that's a different story.

*If you're looking for new activities to do with your family, try getting back to the basics. Naps for everyone.

*Finally, when writing a blog post about useful tips, always link to a legit website like Wikipedia, Google, or better yet, Ask Jeeves (but for reals Jeeves, it's been a long time since you've been accurate about anything, am I right? Fist bump).

Wednesday, March 20, 2013


When I was young I had my share of some unfortunate medical issues. For about a year of my childhood I was in and out of surgery, frequenting physical therapy, taking medication that is literally no longer prescribed to children (Valium; turns out it has the opposite effect on kids. Thanks, mom and dad for staying up all night with me while I ran up and down stairs), sitting out on recess and gym class, watching out the window while my siblings jumped on the trampoline (dramatic, I know), and crying because I had a half-body cast on two separate occasions (4th graders are mean).

My big brother, Dru bought me a stuffed animal pig a few Christmas' before. I named him Piggy, as I was always the clever one. Piggy, like many stuffed animals for children, became my crutch. I loved him so much. When the year of my hellish medical history arrived, Piggy was the most important thing to me. He  loved all of the same things I did, he was always awake when I was, and even loved watching Star Wars as much AND as frequently as I did. Some nights I would cry and cry because everything hurt so bad and Piggy would cry too.

Looking back, I see how kids become so attached to an inanimate object. Piggy was a security and safety that I just couldn't duplicate. Tonight I was holding Robbie while he fell asleep. He has been struggling most of his life and has had a few weeks recently where it just feels like things are never getting better. He will have a procedure done this upcoming week and be kept in the hospital again. I thought about the surgeries that I had to have when I was young. My mom always brought Piggy to the hospital, and in my 9-year-old brain it felt like since he was there, I'd be okay. I put Robbie down in his crib and rummaged around in his box of toys and animals. At the bottom was Piggy, whom I brought all the way to Texas when I moved, in the hopes that if I had a baby, he would love him too. I put the old, worn animal in the crib to watch over my sweet baby and realized why he was so important to me. Piggy did everything with me. Ate breakfast, watched TV, played, told stories, and every night when I knelt down to pray, Piggy prayed with me. I associate him with innocence, life and surviving painful, hard times. When I think about it, I know that Robbie will have hard times to come, but he will get through them and will come out the other side having had opportunities to grow and be strengthened that were very much individualized for him. Just like we all do. I also know that I won't always be the one who can give him what he needs but he will find comfort in the joys that life has to offer. Maybe even in something as simple as a stuffed animal pig.

Thursday, March 14, 2013


When someone misspells a word in a status, or especially in a super-aggressive rant, I desperately comb through the comments to see if anyone mentions it. But they never do, because that would be rude. But, can it not be rude? Can we make it, not rude? Isn't it better? If I pronounced something horribly, horribly wrong, isn't it best to tell me? Just put me out of my misery? Doesn't that fall under some sort of ethical responsibility? And can I not be a jerk because of the unwritten rule that if you post something publicly, it's open to scrutiny? That's a thing, right?

Sunday, March 3, 2013

Chief Complaint: It's hard to use my words

Me: What brings you to the Emergency Room today?
Patient: Oh you know...
Me: that a question? Because I asked you first...
Patient: Well you know, I just be like not like feelin right, you know. Like I be hot and cold and hot and cold and like my temperature be like all up and down and up and down n shi*.
Me: Mmmk
Patient: You know like I dunno if I be dehydrated or like you know if I be like stressed, you know. Like I be doin things and it aint right. You know like I'm stressed a lot and be like tired n shi*.
Me: K, so you have a fever and your thirsty, and shi*?
Patient: Yeah
Me: ...