But the thing about online dating that is so fascinating is that you're expected to write a greeting that summarizes everything about you without sounding desperate/weird/lonely all while appearing to be witty/intelligent/kind. Through extensive research ninety percent* of men think that the best opening line is, "I'm really laid back." This single statement, I swear, was in almost every profile that I read (again, I know you're curious but just don't ask). "I'm super laid back." "I'm totally laid back." "I consider myself really laid back." Really?! Are there that many "laid back" people out there? And what does that mean? You're okay if dinner starts 5-10 minutes late? (unacceptable)...10-15 minutes? (seriously?)...15-20?! (worthless). Or you're kinda "meh" when it comes to politics (excellent, that's just what the country needs, you knucklehead)? Sometimes you don't tie your shoes? You like your tie a little loose? Toilet seat is up? Drinking out of milk cartons? Eating with sporks?! What does it mean?! And is that what girls are looking for? Because I think I'd be more likely to get behind something like this:
"Moderately handsome, smart, reads real newspapers, knows what "Aes Sedai" refers to, and a little bit high strung." Boom.**
But more interesting, I thought I'd give it a go and write my very own personal ad. Here goes.
Likes:
Reading, mostly non-thought-provoking with the occasional non-fiction.
Caligraphy, mostly doodling small woodland creatures on stroke powerpoint handouts
Medical seminars, mostly the free cookies and retractable name badge holders
Saving lives (one-upping [tragic flaw]).
Dancing, mostly to boy bands, Eddie Money, and 90's "butt rock"***
Dislikes:
Dirty microwaves, specifically tomato sauce splattering
Warm water...give it up, this is America
Sprouts
Math, because I'm bad at it
Things that I'm bad at
What I learned? Putting yourself on paper is HARD. It's way, way easier to get by on superficial things. Props to online daters. Maybe the best play is to start off like this, "I don't look great on paper, but I'm super rich."
*Not an actual statistic
**Basically I just described Rob...except he just happened to be super handsome, unbelievably smart, gets the San Juan Record every month (except when they forget and send him several issues at once), spelled "Aes Sedai" for me for the purposes of this blog, and is secretly high strung (but in a way that motivates him to work hard, and all that ambitious kinda crap).
***Rob's words, not mine
5 comments:
Ha ha ha! I have been giving this a lot of thought lately as I find the pool of "normal" men my age dwindling.
Just feels a little weird to put a profile up on a website and then hope someone pokes/winks or whatever they do to say they are interested. BUT - if I sign up for anything I am TOTALLY calling you to set up my online profile! :)
I think Laid Back is code for i have zero drive or I'm super lazy.
Note to self: remove "laid back" from OKcupid profile.
Even better than knowing what Aes Sedai refers to: knowing what allomancy refers to.
Ha! Eating with sporks, that is a perfect metaphor for the kind of "laid back" you are describing. I have thought a few times about having my wife and I join a dating site that matches you up with people to see if we were put together. Then I remembered that we don't like any of the same things and really only agree that pineapple on Pizza is the worst.
Aes Sedai are the worst. I mean, the absolute worst. So bad that I came out of my website lurking to actually post a comment. Man I hate Aes Sedai.
Also, read Sanderson. You'll thank me later.
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