Dead...D.E.D....Dead

     So we've been in our house for about 4 months now and our front yard is a disaster. One side of it was all gravel and the other a wilderness of little trees, shrubs, weeds, etc. The gravel portion was taken care of a few weeks ago when Rob posted "Free Gravel" on craigslist and I woke up one morning to a random hispanic man in my front yard shoveling away. I tried to tell him that seemed like a less-than-ideal situation but he just went on and on about what a "pleasant fellow" he was. So there was that. Anyway, so we were going to hire someone to take care of the little wilderness but I was feeling ambitious and thought I could tackle it myself. For the record, it was way harder than it looked. There were a few mini palm tree things and then these other horrible "Elephant Ear Trees" (no idea what the actual name is but for the purpose of the story the leaves are HUGE...hence the name) which required much more than just the wee bit of strength I have in my biceps, so I got a shovel and went to work.

    So there I am, digging up these trees.  And seriously out of nowhere, I found myself committing murder. I had dug up most of the little shrubs and weeds so when it came time to dig up those freakin elephants, I thought, "Oh I'll just snip off the leaves first so I have better access to the roots." And that was the first of it. I snipped off a leave and instantly felt this horrible guilt wash over me. What?! I've never been one to care about plants, trees...green things. But the second I cut the stem it was like, "What the tree killer!?" The stem snapped to the ground and the sap came oozing out like I might as well have stabbed it in a dark alley. And then of course I leaned in and it got all over me, looking guilty as ever...covered in the blood of an elephant leaf. I tried to ignore how awful I felt and kept on at the task at hand. I started twisting the leaves back to get a better view of the roots and the squeaking of the rubbery leaves I swear sounded like wild elephants being brought into captivity and tortured. As I pulled at the root the slugs creeping up the sides were just there, judging me so hard. They were like little tiny captains of the plant Titanic, determined to go down with it, staring the iceberg (me) right in the face. And then, to top it off, there was a crazy cacophony of these damn birds right above me sounding some sort of nature alarm to the death of a beautiful, living, tree. I'm sure birds everywhere were weeping. Somewhere, small children got wind of what was happening and wept next to their beloved elephant ear trees, wrapping the giant leaves around themselves for comfort and warmth.

    So anyway, now the remains are just laying there, waiting me to dispose of them. I feel like I need to go buy a bunch of Rubbermaid bins and sink them in a bayou to destroy the evidence. What's wrong with me? Is it the baby? This crap is ridiculous.